Tuesday, January 17, 2012

heart broken.....for my heart mommies

im not sure if this post will be long or short, im just running with this. My heart is so incredibly torn tonight. While I am on cloud nine that my baby girl is out of the hospital, and doing wonderfully I am HEAT BROKEN that my fellow heart mom friend has lost her baby boy tonight to this Fing CHD!!!This yo yo, and this mind F&%*&! that this disease plays with our hearts and minds is just not fair! I left the hospital today prasing God that he saved my baby girl again! She survived! how lucky are we! and then less than three hours later I find out my fellow heart sister lost her baby boy and im cursing everyone and everything! I know is this not the way to handle my anger, but i dont really care right now. I am so sick and tired of hearing that, "another angel earned their wings" or "god has another beautiful angel" " they are in no more pain now" Screw that! Dont get me wrong I know all these statments are true but you can only hear them so much in one week. Why cant these angels stay with their mommies and daddys and family, why cant they be painless here with US, and why cant they be angels on EARTH!?!?!?
I have been really blessed in life, although i have lost my grandfather and one of my bestfriends at an early age. I can not even fathom the pain of loosing my child. And the fact that, it could actually be my reality pulls at my heart, and is in my thoughts EVERYDAY. One of my sweetest friends lost her baby girl to HLHS just a few days after Ella was born..... It killed me, just joining the HLHS journey it hit me hard, and she has grown to be one of my best and most wonderful friends I have ever had, and I have never even met her in person yet,( I love my sweet Brookie Cookie, and she will forever be Ellas heart sissy!) I also had a friend lose her baby unrelated to HLHS the night after Ella was born, this too shattered my heart<3 Naya will always hold a place in my heart. My heart is aching so incredibly bad for all these innocent babies that are never given a chance. Tonight as i tuck my sweet baby into bed, I feel so much love,pain, sorrow, anger,and frustration. I am so greatful and blessed to have my baby laying next to me, breathing, laughing, smiling. Its just not fair, everyone deserves that. I pleed and pray that god never takes her from me. My sisters that have lost their babies, you are all amazing, every single one of you, i know i did not name everyone. Unfortunatly there are so many. My heart aches for you every night and when i look at Ella I think of yours. I dont know why god chose to save my daughter right now, but I Pray that he continues, because im not sure i could EVER be as strong as most of you are.<3

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