Tuesday, December 6, 2011

its been a while!

So my plan was always to continue this blog, heck I had just started it not long before I had her! lol But I had no idea what was instore for me and I completly lost interest in this while in the hospital. Although day while in the hospital I would say tonight is the night I will update our blog! haha that never happend. The stress while in that hospital was OVERWHELMING beyond belie. I still dont think that at the time I realized just how stressed I was until we got home and I finally took one breath upon walking back into my parents house, let my guard down and poof,I was sick! lol
Most of you were also able to follow alot of our "hospital journey" by my sisters blog, which really did help and make me feel better that I was not doing so hot on updating.
Well we are Home now! Whew! four words I was not ever sure I would be able to say. We have been home for just a little over 1 month now. Once again like when we were in the hospital I kept telling myself tonight is the night i would update my blog! lol but again I never did. I think our start here at home was WAY more stressful than I ever anticipated as well. First of Brady and I both got sick the SECOND we got home and as most of you know its one thing to be sick upon bringing your newborn baby home and its another to be sick, while bringing your newborn heart baby home. The sickness although sucked was not the worst part the thought that we could possibly pass it to Ella and end up right back in that dreadful hospital just days after we left was I think actually making me sicker! Then we were also moving. HA! yeah two days after we get home we move, sick ,with a newborn heart baby! dont even ask me what we were thinking. I guess we just really wanted our own place back and to try and get baack some type of normalcy in our lives, something framiliar. Somehow I think that backfired on me. While we LOVE our new place, I still can not find that normalcy, or comfort that I have been longing for since we left for LA some four months ago. Dont get me wrong I/We are LOVING having Ella home with us! Its the most amazing thing EVER! She the biggest light in our lives and I know how blessed we are to have her home with us. But with all that wonderfulness comes a CRAP load of worries and more stress than i ever thought I would be able to handle. Im like a hawk now. Nothing gets past me. She coughs, she sneezes, looks at me wierd and if I dont call the hospital its a miracle! lol We sleep with her pulse ox on her all night and since she always desats while she sleeps the monitor is always beeping. I use to call the hospital everynight until after the 1000th call I had to get it in my head that this was just normal for her and that they are awear of her desats at night and allowed us to leave the hospital with that being the case. Then there is her G tube, that has taken some getting use to as well. At first it was very overwhelming and scary. Now its just the norm for us! Although I still am pushing her and hoping for the day that she will be able to take a bottle, the day will come, it just cant come soon enough! Taking a normal newborn baby out anywhere as moms know is a process, but Ella is a whole different story, she had nine medications a day and eats on her G tube every two hours for one hour, and spits up if you move her too much durnig feeds or for about a half hour after. Which leaves us with about an hour and a half if we need to get something done or go anywhere before we start over again. And feeding in the car is out of the question, as it makes her get sick everytime we have tried!! lol
I know all my heart moms friends say it will get easier. I believe it I do! I know with each surgery it will get better. And although I would give anything to not go to bed everynight worried that we may end up in the hospital or that something will happen to her in the middle of the night, ill do it, and I will do it everynight for the rest of my life. She is worth every, tear, worry, stress, that we will have to go though, because with all of that comes so much Joy, and happyness. I have never cried happy tears more in my life that in have these past three months. Every little thing she does means SO much more now, im not sure if i might have taken thing more forgranted if she had been a healthy baby. Now sucking a pacifire for just 10 seconds and we cheer, she does tummy time for a minute and we cry, she allows us to stick a Q tip with medicine on it in her mouth and doesnt gag and its just so amazing to us! I just look at it like this. I have been a nanny for the past 11 years right, it was too easy to just give me another baby! God gave me this baby cause he wanted to challenge me. ;) I know the worrying will never stop, but what mom does not worry about their baby??!!
We are so lucky and so blessed and so what we'er a little stressed. She is here with us still, she is hear today. Not a single one of us is promised tomorrow. So my plan is to try and make the best of everyday we are given with her. That may be a little easier said than done, and i know we will have good days and bad days, but they ARE DAYS!
Now i cant promise anyone that as I continue this blog ( as often as I can) it will always be rainbow and butterflies but I can promise you that I will always to my best to look for it!
This will be it for tonight because my hubby just got home from work and its time to take ourselves and our love to bed. Thanks for all the support my wonderful friends and family, and thank you for continuing to support us throught our journey.
Lots of love The Beckstead 3 <3

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